Date:	2004-04-16 22:43
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	listless

So I've been thinking, what if all of our "progress" as a species has been a movement sideways rather than forward? Every generation is taught in school that the scientific "facts" their parents were taught in school have been debunked in the intervening time, and were ignorantly assumed to be fact because they just hadn't discovered everything yet. But now, now we know the truth. The truth which will inevitably be dismissed as obsolete and silly by the next batch of discovery.

But as we move "forward", ever upward and onward, we get further and further away from the recognition of ourselves as a part of natural cycles, and an element of our environment that may not even be central, however powerful we are. As we learn to manipulate and dissect our environment, we stray further from the respectful relationship with the cycles of the universe that our ignorant forbears understood and held sacred. The human race becomes ill, psychologically and physically, and are destroying our surroundings and ourselves as fast as we can in the name of "progress".

But is it progress? Isn't it ultimately a trade-off? Perhaps we are not in a better or more educated place than our primitive ancestors were before recorded history. Perhaps we're just dealing with a different set of information.

I was thinking about that today. And then I drank beer and watched the Yankees/Red Sox game. Go Sox! Nomaaaah! (For Nomar Garciaparrah, who is out but still has the most fun name to scream in a Boston accent.) Now I'm alone on a Friday night and I still can't muster the initiative to do the damn dishes already. *sigh* I'll do it tomorrow, I swear.

Date:	2004-04-16 01:38
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	restless

I haven't posted on this in so long I feel completely unwitty and not up to the challenge of a re-entry onto the scene.

I lost my job in January, and with it I lost my DSL. My only computer access is at 28.8 (the fastest speed below DSL available in this one-dirty-horse town), which is just infuriating enough to keep me off-line a lot more than I would be otherwise.

Nothing notable other than the job-change has really happened in my life this year. Except (ohgodIhatetoadmitthis) I moved back in with my mom for a few weeks, just so my boyfriend and I can save on rent while he's working in Boston. We're still trying to save enough money to move to Vermont and go back to school, and paying so much rent was silly when he's working back east and I can stay with my mother for free. I love my mom. I only want to kill her most of the time when I live here, not actually 100% of the time.

I spend half my time in very deep contemplations of life and the time-space continuum and the other half sucking up TV like I was back in college. American Idol, the Apprentice, Family Guy, The Daily Show... I'm an addict at the moment. But I'll be working a lot more soon and the weather just suddenly turned glorious again so I'm hoping I'll get off my ass and hike a lot.

I'm bored and restless and broke and I miss my boyfriend, but I'm healthy and happy and I think I'm on the right track in genera. Lord, this is boring. Just an obligatory update so I can post smaller, more anecdotal stuff from now on.

Date:	2004-01-14 16:05
Subject:	too tired for actual writing.
Security:	Public
Mood:	ditzy

Searing pain in shoulder from typing all day. Boo.

Chocolate! Yay.

Bosses all (yes, multiple) condescending and anal. Boo.

Watched Soylent Green last night. Yay! ("IT'S PEOPLE!!!!")

Sweet boyfriend dying of painful infected tooth, no money for antibiotics. Boooooooo.

All caught up with hectic tax-season bullshit at work, fat paycheck coming Friday- YAAAYYY!!!!

I'm at work and all out of shit ta do, and have time to catch up on this thing for the first time in weeks, and I'm too f-ing burnt to thing in anything but basic, disconnected phrases.

Agh! BIG BROTHER!!! Gotta go!!!

Date:	2003-11-26 16:14
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	bouncy

I just remembered that there is a dead bear behind me. Turns out, my boss Lucinda is a big game hunter. Last year she bagged her first bear, and it just arrived back in rug form. She calls him "Boo Boo", affectionately, since he was so young. I've had a really hard time with mustering appropriate facial and verbal responses to this all day.

Yesterday I was in line at the post office, as I generally am a few times a week for work. The small, surly Native American man was working, as usual. He hates people a lot, I think. Anyway, I could tell the woman in front of me was about to be annoying because of her freakishly enormous ass, cutesie sweater, and perfectly curled hair, although I never did see her face. Sure enough, she started talking to the man in a horrible precious voice ("I have to mail 'diss ooone widdle package"), so I was very gratified when she said exactly the wrong thing to the mean little Indian. "I hope you're having a wonderful Thanksgiving!" she beamed. All traces of what was beginning to be a civil smile disappeared from his face, and he was a steely asshole to her until she finally moped away. (An interesting perspective on Thanksgiving, since I live in a community with almost as many Native Americans as white people.)

Lord. The bear is still there.

But I'm happy and about to go home to my sweet sweet boyfriend! Yaaay!

Date:	2003-11-21 12:51
Subject:	my teef hoit.
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm

I'm sitting in my office, eating hard candy like popcorn because I missed breakfast and it's all I have here. Not a good plan, when I've been too broke to see a dentist for something like 3 years now. Rrrrr. Soon, soon I will have a dental plan!

Life is like this sometimes: I walk in to the office this morning, almost half an hour late, and there's only one other person here - Lucinda. I say, "Sorry I'm late! I got stuck behind this big, slow truck." Lucinda says, "Oh! You're not late, are you? When are you supposed to get here?" But having already acknowledged I was late, there was no backpedaling without looking like a total weasel. "Late? Uuuummm, did I say late? I meant aw hell screw it."

Date:	2003-11-13 14:04
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	cheerful
Music:	sleighbells ring... are you listening....

The snow began last night. Everything is blanketed - every twig on every branch is covered with snow. It feels magical - like Narnia or something. I guess that's the Texas girl in me, because the novelty of thick snow has survived intact through four snowy winters (2 Rhode Island and 2 northern New Mexico). The down side is that it is very hard to accept that it snowed all night and all morning and I am still expected to go to work and continue my daily life as though nothing amazing is happening.

Growing up in Dallas, if five flakes fell from the sky, the entire city would shut down. All the schools would close, offices would remain empty, streets were deserted... all any sane person would do on a snow day was curl up with some hot chocolate and read a book or watch old movies. It still feels wrong somehow to continue business as usual through it all, especially on the first snow of the year.

I actually overslept this morning... I suffer from extreme morning delirium, and this was one of the really bad ones. My sleeping mind invented a scenario in which I couldn't drive on the roads because they were too snowy, and I had to call into my office and tell them I was trapped until the snowplows made it through. I believed it had happened, and then woke up to the 7th or 8th time my alarm went off to discover that the road was completely clear between the two-foot snow drifts on either side, and I was very, very late. D'oh.

Now I'm at work, feeling a little bit self-conscious about having no viable work to do at the moment. Also a little nervous about typing the true story of my morning rather than the elaborate fiction I used as an explanation for my lateness.

Eek! I'm all paranoid now! But silly, happy paranoid. I'm going to go now, having pushed my luck a little far today.

PSish-type-thing... Jamison made baked ziti with homemade sauce from scratch last night, and then got up and made me cofee this morning . Dreamy.

Date:	2003-11-12 10:16
Subject:	Like grains of sand in the hourglass...
Security:	Public
Mood:	mellow
Music:	the trickling of the tiny fountain on my desk

Good god, I haven't posted in almost a year. It's not really worth filling in all the missing info... I guess I could try to sum it up quickly, though, Hm.
For those who want the run-down:( Read more... )

Other than some kind of touchy issues involving my most recent ex possibly still having feelings for me, and Jamison and I living broke as hell while he finds another job (he also quit the shitty café) and I pay most of my paychecks towards repaying loans and long-standing debts, I am very happy and content. Watching football and Sopranos and cooking and hanging out with friends and staying up too late talking and reading and all that good stuff. Good times. Good times.

Date:	2003-01-04 22:39
Subject:	stop this thing, I wanna get off...
Security:	Public
Mood:	exhausted

I know, I know. It's been too long. I'll be getting better at keeping in touch, I promise.

I'm trying to restructure my life at the moment, ie. escape drama, make more times for important things like hot baths and good books and being sane on a sunshiny day.
( ...the abbreviated status report )
*sigh* Happy New Year.

Date:	2002-12-12 23:42
Subject:	poor poor me
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed

Ok, I know it's crappy of me to not post for like weeks because I'm busy and happy and then come crawling back when I'm feeling desolate and depressed. But here I am.

I feel... I feel... I can't think of any words to adequately express how profoundly, deeply sad and blue I feel. I think I may have just completely lost one of the most incredible friendships I've ever had with one of the most amazing people I've ever met. Ok, so the relationship didn't work out... I never really believed it could last because of our life circumstances and other silly things, but the end of it has turned out to be so much worse than I ever would have believed possible.

Anger, misunderstanding, pain, distance, alienation... a complete and utter tearing apart of everything that was so incredible and beautiful for a little while. I feel hopeless, and helpless, and deeply deeply miserable.

I have good friends here, and they've helped me a lot, but they're his best friends, too, and there is no real escape. Brief distractions are becoming less and less effective as the pain really settles in. I know I'll be ok. And I can sleep, and eat, and bathe, and do my fucking laundry, and get out of bed in the morning, so I know overall I'm doing alright. I just... god. I just feel so fucking powerfully sad. I wish the world and myself would just leave me alone for a little while, so I could take a few breaths without hurting so bad, or thinking about it, or feeling anything at all.

I hate this.

Date:	2002-11-19 02:38
Subject:	still going
Security:	Public
Mood:	peaceful

I can't even begin to update this thing in any sufficient way. Life has been almost eerily good. I've met these incredible new friends (the same ones as last week plus a couple), made excellent connections with artists and musicians and filmmakers and writers who are all interested in all sorts of collaborative projects and possible web-site business, reconnected with my love for making music and suddenly with people who want me to make music with them, and on and on.
( and the rest... )

Now I'm drinking coffee at three in the morning and thinking about having some dinner. (I had breakfast at 4:30 this afternoon - why not?) I'm sort of working on this web-site thing I have a meeting about tomorrow, and Tony is here working on production notes for his upcoming cd. There's a fire in the fireplace and cats curled up nearby - it's all strangely domestic and sweet for this time of night.

PS- I still can't believe my friend talked me into playing the harp in her cafe this Friday night. I haven't played in public since a couple of small recitals in high school. But it's a good thing! It's important. I needed this push. And who knows? Maybe it will turn into a regular gig. A few people have expressed an interest in working with me on some studio recordings and stuff. It's like I'm an actual musician or something! Wtf?

Date:	2002-11-14 02:39
Subject:	better and better
Security:	Public
Mood:	peaceful

Right after I wrote my last post (saying I was a little at a loss) Tony called, and we hung out for another 29 hours or so. It is just so comfortable and fun and nice spending time with him. We went out for a beer and some fries, and came back here and worked on some music (which is sounding better and better), talked and laughed and just enjoyed each other's company, crashed here and slept late today, got up and went for coffee, then dinner, met with some people and ran some errands, went out to an excellent movie, came back here and cooked ourselves a nice late supper, worked on some more music... there's no room for boredom when you're completely content. Time just slides by... these are simple, happy, promising days for me.

And for the first time in a while, I feel like I'm really living my life in the present. I'm still working towards all these new opportunities and goals, but I'm open-minded about the path things take and I'm enjoying my life here moment by moment. Crazy how completely my life has changed, all within the last two weeks.

I should get to bed - I have to get up in the morning to go volunteer at the Taos Talking Pictures office (I'll explain that another time) and I need to get by the bank and the post office, as well. Tomorrow Tony has another show, and I'm hoping Matt will go, too, since I haven't actually hung out with him since I met Tony! (Coincidence - we've been playing phone-tag.) Anyway, I am deeply happy.

Date:	2002-11-12 21:28
Subject:	how quickly things change
Security:	Public
Mood:	listless
Music:	"new mexico skies" - tony schueller

Well, figured I should update the saga, though I feel a little too mellow to give the whole play-by-play run-down of the past couple of days. It was a little dramatic and middle-schoolish for about 48 hours.

Anyway, now Rob is off my case (that wasn't easy, because it isn't comfortable to be that direct with someone when you know they're going to be disappointed and likely hurt), and Tony talked to Matt and it turned out that Matt did/does just like me as a friend. By the time I found that out, I was equally relieved and nervous, because it meant there was nothing to hide behind anymore as far as Tony is concerned.

We spent 12 hours just talking Sunday night - we were up till dawn. I slept in my sleeping bag on my living room floor because it just felt too soon to be apart. It sounds weird, I guess, but at the time it seemed like the most normal thing in the world. We woke up and spent the day together, and then the evening. I met a couple more of his friends that I really like and feel like old friends with already.

I don't know if we're going to get involved in a "relationship" or not, but for the first time ever I just feel happy and patient, just enjoying things as they are. I do miss him already, though. I have one of those things going on where I'm so smitten I go to sleep thinking of him, dream about him, wake up thinking about him, see him smiling at me whenever I close my eyes, think of him and smile every time my mind wanders for even a moment... yeah. I may not feel compelled to make him love me or be his girlfriend or build up some ideal scenario for how things will turn out, but I'm definitely smitten. Maybe when I'm busier I won't notice when we're not together all the time. People shouldn't be together all the time, anyway.

I did finally take out the trash and practice the harp and clean up a little around here, and I ate decently healthy food for the first time in the past few days, so I feel better in terms of feeling calmed down and centered again.

I'm a little bit at a loss at the moment, though, because there are only a couple of things I can think of to do with my time - finish washing the dishes, do some laundry - and I staunchly do NOT feel like doing that. If this were Dallas or somewhere like that, I'd take a book to a coffee shop and read or write a little, but the only places open this late are bars and I really don't feel like being in a bar. It's too cold for a walk, or really to be out anywhere without a specific intent. I feel anything but specific at the moment.

I'd call a friend or something, but I feel like I've been talking almost non-stop for days, and I'm pretty tired of hearing myself. I need this break. Oh, well. I'll figure something out.

Date:	2002-11-10 07:31
Subject:	uh-oh.
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative
Music:	"the width of a river" - tony schueller

already I love
you smiling at me
already i love
making you laugh

I lay awake in my bed
seeing your dancing eyes
light up the room
new memories of you
already making me smile

I fell asleep to dream of you
I dreamed you were a little boy
saw your soul glow from your sweet face
wished you all the love and joy I see you shine
I took your hand to lift you up
and wakened to the misty dawn
awake and dreaming of you again

already I miss
you next to me
already I love
you here.

Date:	2002-11-10 02:52
Subject:	And when it rains....
Security:	Public
Mood:	confused

Oh, drama. What the hell.

( this is a necessarily long update - sorry... )

So anyway, I'm modelling in the morning, and will hopefully get some prints (finally!) of the work I've done so far. As for the boys, I'm just trying to be laid-back and openminded and see how things turn out. Wish me luck!

Date:	2002-11-09 03:15
Subject:	it's raining men! Halleluiah!
Security:	Public
Mood:	excited

Wow. What a night. I went to hear this local singer/songwriter play, and he turned out to be absolutely incredible. Seriously - I was almost moved to tears sometimes by songs that weren't even sad, because the music was just that moving and compelling and beautiful.

Then my friend of the recent date - we'll call him Matt, for conversational purposes - introduced me to said musician, along with several other cool new friends. Artists and writers and musicians, oh my!

Matt was exhausted and bailed early, but the rest of us went out and had such a good time. I mean, crazy meeting-of-the minds good time. At one point, we'd been having such good conversation for a while, the guys paused and we all grinned and they said, "Well, Ivy, welcome home!" It was so lovely!
( and the rest, including more love-life intrigue )
*sigh* Anyway, I'm happy. A little too wired at this late hour for total comfort, but content.

What box do you get put in?
brought to you by Quizilla
yep, sometimes these quizzes definitely get it right.

"Languid-Sexy.... You rock the messy hair and crisp white cotton sheet. Your idea of bliss is a day spent in bed with your lover. There is nothing wrong with that, though some people like to leave the bed at times. You're a total fox, even if you are a hedonistic bum."

I took it again and got this one, which fits, too. What can I say? I'm a multidimensional woman.

Date:	2002-11-08 09:05
Subject:	oh, yes. I'm definitely this hot.
Security:	Public
Mood:	sleepy

What's your brand of sexy?
brought to you by Quizilla
I guess if I'm sexy it would have to be in the cute, girl-next-door kind of way. I love video games and wrasslin' and cartoon-pj-time and makin' out on the couch and other such good things, a lot more than I like being cool or mysterious or anything like that. Being the intruiguing, alluring sex-pot can be fun sometimes, but it's not really me in the long run and it's not as much fun as getting to relax and have fun. I like to laugh a lot, and I have too loud a laugh to remain cool for very long once someone knows me.

And I am SOOO not smooth. Case in point: on my date last night, the guy made me laugh so hard at one point my gum accidentally fell out of my mouth onto the floor. There was no playing it off. Just had to laugh it off as a compliment to his wit and pretend it wasn't as dorky as I know it was. Whatever- he's a dork, too, so it's ok.

I tend to only go for guys who are at least a little geeky, cause I can't relate to them otherwise. But only if the geekiness goes with intelligence and a great sense of humor. That's the closest thing to a "type" I have, I guess. I tend to go for guys who are really into art and/or music, but I don't do that on purpose. It just ends up that way. Now I'm just babbling to entertain myself, so I'll spare you guys.

I'll be home alll day, cleaning my room and such, so IM me if you're around!

Date:	2002-11-07 23:51
Subject:	oh, joy!
Security:	Public
Mood:	excited
Music:	"lovesong" - the cure

Ok, I thought I was going to the movies with my buddy tonight (the one who came over the other night), but it turned out to be a date! I never ever go on dates. And not only that, it turned out to be an excellent date!

( the giddy adolescent details... )

The best part about it is that it doesn't even matter if it's going anywhere or not- I'm just enjoying the ride. Figuratively speaking, of course. Tomorrow night will be fun, too. New job, new web-site business, new fantastic guy to go out with... I'm happy. *sigh*

Date:	2002-11-07 11:35
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	groggy
Music:	"I think I love you" - dammit, Mel!!!!

Whew. Yesterday was good. Today, I zzzzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry! Sorry. Can't seem to wake up. Might have a date tonight. Or a going-out-with-male-friend-not-quite-a-date kind of date, depending on which guy ends up going to the movie with me. I'm actually rooting for the non-date - I like that guy more and definitely feel more comfortable with him.

Yaaaawwwn. Coff.... eeeeeee.....